We often think of relationships as pertaining to intimate 'coupledom', but in reality, there are all kinds: employer/employee; parent/child; adult child/parent; friends/enemies to name but a few. The basis of the relationship may vary from the intensely emotional to the practical as it can form out of necessity. However we define it, in all of these relationships the nature of the contact can have a very potent effect on the satisfaction/dissatisfaction level of the individual.
Researchers discovered that if you put an engaged-to-be-married couple in a room and invited them to talk together, there was a simple ratio which could predict with a high degree of accuracy how successful that marriage would be. If, in their conversation, the ratio of positive statements –- appreciations, acknowledgements etc – to negative comments – complaints, put downs, nagging etc – was 5:1, the likelihood of a successful, satisfying relationship was greatly enhanced. If on the other hand, it was 1:5, the relationship would probably not survive, or if it did, it would prove to be highly unsatisfying. When working with couples, or in organisations, I will invite each person to estimate what they think their ratio is, and what they experience the other's ratio is. That in itself is very revealing to each, but far more significant is the shock for most when they actually start attending and tracking it. I then invite people to try to bring the ratio up to 5:1, and within a few days both parties experience a marked improvement in their relationship.
There is nothing magical in this – those who do it discover that they are noticing things that they appreciate and show they do so, and stop focusing on the negative, the disappointments, and what they are NOT getting. Naturally, this way resentments reduce and positive feelings increase. The other person experiences this and the good will between the two increases, and things get better!
What fascinates me and tells me a lot when working with people around their relationships is the time resistance sets in to doing and then maintaining the 'ratio work'. When resentments have encrusted the style of interaction, when the heart is wrapped in a protective shield against hurts and disappointments or when expectations and longings unmet and long buried re-surface, it takes significant time to melt that shield enough so that there is again sufficient good will to restore balance and harmony.
If there is a lack of immediate response, the initiator will give up too soon and the situation will actually be made worse because with a lack of success motivation to continue to work at the relationship is diminished. Then often, unfortunately, resentment is increased. The professional working with the relationship system needs to be able to 'innoculate' against the potential for disappointment and withdrawal!
So, this is a simple and highly effective approach to changing how we communicate with one another that can have a profound effect on relationships, usually in a positive direction, though, as I described above, it can sometimes go in the opposite direction.
A. Badaines, Ph.D.
You can join Ari on a Skyros Holiday this summer. His course 'Relationships' will take place on beautiful Skyros island in Greece from the 1st - 11th August 2012. Book online or contact the office for more details. We are always happy to help. Tel: 01983 86 55 66 e: office@skyros.com www.skyros.com
1. You are so right.
ReplyDelete2.` This is a good photo of you
3. I like it.
4. Where is your button-down Aussie hat?
5. It's blue with matching shorts and very
fetching!
Hows that? 5/5? J.
Ha, thanks J for reading and commenting! Much appreciated.
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